My Testimony
My name is Mallorie and I am 19 years old. What I'm about to write will probably come as a shock to most, but this is my testimony and God is telling me I need to share it. So, here we go. When I was a young girl I was always at church on Sundays. I don't remember either one of my parents having the strongest relationship with Christ, but I was also very young. I do know that both of my parents are different and way more godly people then they used to be. Now they both have great relationships with Christ and they pour into me. When I was about five or six though my dad left. He left my mom, me and my brothers for another woman. Obviously I was so young I didn't understand what was going on, all I knew was that daddy was gone and things were different. I saw my mom cry and hurt in a way i never want to see her hurt again. I hated it, I felt empty, a little girl growing up without her dad. Going back and forth from mom's house to dad's house just got old. I wanted a "normal" family as people would call it. As I grew up with my dad not really being around too much I just always thought I had a relationship with God. I never knew this one ripple would cause such a wave of emotions as I got old enough to understand what happened. I thought I knew Christ and trusted Him, but I was fooling myself because I didn't know what it meant to run to God with your problems. As I got older not being close to my dad really started to sink in. Hearing girls talk about being a daddy's girl really got to me. I let all kinds of anger build up towards my dad. I started to understand what divorce was and it hurt. I felt like my father chose to be with someone else over his own three kids, something I never understood. I longed for the love and approval of my father, the love and approval every other girl seemed to be getting but me. My dad moved two hours away so him living far away, and me not being close with my mother really caused problems. I went through a stage were I hated my family because i felt like they had just brushed my feelings, wants, and needs to the side. I felt they had betrayed me. Having a step mom and a step dad was all too much for me. Too many new things at one time. The way I viewed my earthly father a-skewed my vision of God. I felt like He would leave me to.
I really started to struggle even more with God in 9th grade. This was one of the worste years for me because this is when I really started to struggle with what others said about me and my image. I began to fall into what others said about me. Colton, a guy that went to my school, literally tore me down everyday. He always had something to say about how I looked like a man, or some rude comment. He started rumors about me and made people hate me. He turned girls against me because he was gay and most girls only listened to him because he's good at ruining lives and they knew that. I took everything that Colton and everyone else said and I believed it. I believed that 80 pounds was over weight, I believed that I was ugly, I believed I was useless. I repressed all my feelings down and never told anyone how he made me feel. I stopped eating, I didn't want to gain weight, I didn't want to be fat. I kept believing the lies of my enemy. Soon repressing my feelings became too much and I just started to act out. I would get in trouble just to catch my parents attention because thats all I wanted was attention. I never once thought about running to God just because I didn't feel like He could do anything about it. So I did what most kids do and became the problem child. At this point I was just like there is no God. I thought no God that loves me would ever make me suffer the way I was. If my own father could walk out on me then so could God. I didn't have a relationship with God and I didn't want one. My mom not knowing how I felt still drug me to church every Sunday, but I barely ever listened. I never tried to talk to anyone or seek guidance just because I didn't believe in trust. I sealed my feelings away in the depths of my heart where no one could find them. No matter how much sorrow came my way I never turned to God. I was bound and determined to get through this myself.
As I got older I wondered about my identity. High school is all about who you are and who you are seen with. It is about the items you possess and how many people think your attractive. I got involved in boys. My heart yearned for attention and affection. I longed to be loved, and to be accepted, I just wanted to fit in. So I did what everyone else was doing. I filled hat void in my life with alcohol, partying,boys, ,money, and friends. My emotions never came out because I was drifting and sinking deeper in sin, darkness, depression, and despair. My heart was becoming stone because I was so empty. I got raped by a guy I dated around my junior year of high school. At this point I was completely done with God I cried out to Him one night and said " how come if you love me so much Lord you have sat there and watched me go through all this?" I kept lashing out any way I could because I had so much built up inside. Most kids just saw a pretty girl with daddy's money and thought "Oh, she lives such a wonderful life.", but little did they know what was going on behind such a fake smile. No one knew the darkness of my heart. Not m best friend, not my mom, not my grandparents, no one. My life was out of control so I fell further into the drinking scene. I dated guy after guy each one treating me worse than the last. I still had that longing in my heart to be loved and cared for and I was giving whatever I had to to be loved and accepted. I let guys treat me the way no girl should ever be treated because I had come to believe I was worthless. No one would ever love me. I carried way too much shame for anyone to ever love me. I was still not close to my mom, but I started to see a change in her. She had always been a Christian, but one day it's just like the fire ignited in her and I started to see a love and a joy in her I'd never seen before. She was growing in Christ, she would read her Bible and pray, but she also tried her best to live the way God wanted her to. At first I really just wanted to tell her it was pointless she couldn't count on God, but I was like I'll let her figure it out for herself. My senior year was a mess. I chose to come to Liberty, a christian college when I didn't even want anything to do with God. Smart idea, I know right? Well as all seniors do I tried to live my last year of high school up. I was in the fast lane to destruction. Two months into it my hardened heart couldn't take it all. I had to let all my anger and sadness out. I wanted to feel something again. I wanted to give my parents a shot at being there for me since they had both seemed to change so much.
I started searching, I wasn't sure what I was looking for but I knew I was looking for something. Nothing I had done or tried had satisfied me so what else could I do. Everything had just left me broken and alone being consumed by Satan into an empty black hole. I felt hopeless, like I had no where to run to. One day God placed a guy named Jack in my life. Jack reached out to me as I was on my last hope, honestly right in time. I had asked God "Lord if you are real show me one person that would love me like a Christian should love me and who won't judge me for the things I've done." I didn't think God could do it, but low and behold He did. Jack came in and helped out with a lot of things at first. He kind of forced religion and God on me though. He expected me to just automatically change and turn from all my sins and forget all my shame. At first I thought this is what I want, until I figured out it all felt so forced. It wasn't real conviction of God changing me, it was me changing me to receive the love of Jack, because once again I found myself looking to others for my identity, and to feel a sense of belonging. I was still too scared to make the change and I still wanted to wallow in my sin. I went back to being the life of the party, but that only got me in trouble. I ended up being raped again by a different guy. The night all that happened I cried out to God "Lord if I am your daughter why haven't you protected me tell me that God?" So I still struggled with relationship after relationship. I just wanted love affection and attention and I thought I could find that in guys. I still didn't believe God was protecting me or that I could trust Him, but I stopped being angry with Him. The last relationship I got involved in was not a good one. Just everything about it was deadly. Every thing the guy ever told me was a lie, he was controlling, and really made me feel awful about myself. All I ever did was try to please him, anything he asked I'd do. His lack of involvement with God only made mine worse. He made me feel that no one would ever be able to accept me because of the shame I hid in my past. Soon I came to think not even God could love someone like me, so I started to believe that. Well God obviously had other plans. He didn't want me to settle so He shook my life up. I asked God " bring me to you I am obviously missing something in my life Lord, show me what I'm missing!" Well God did just what I asked, a week before I moved off to college He moved me where He needed me. He took away my friends, the boy, my family and He placed me on sacred ground. He placed me somewhere I can train to be champion for Him.
Having my heart broken and then moving like 5 states away was a big thing. That's so much change in just a week. The first week of being at Liberty I saw the joy that everyone here had and I wanted that joy. We had spiritual emphasis week and it really brought me to that joy. All night of prayer came up and come 2:00 in the morning my dorm made its way to the prayer chapel to pray until 3:00. While going around to the different stations at all night of prayer I found one that convicted me. I had been dealing with my past and the shame I carry from it, and this one station just touched me. On the ground there were things written in chalk like "BELOVED" "DAUGHTER OF CHRIST" "MARVELOUS" "WANTED" "ADORED" "LOVELY" just words I never even thought about associating myself with. Seeing that and remembering earlier that week what I had read in Psalm 139 showed me no matter how dirty my past maybe God longs for me. All the love, affection, and attention I'd been longing for could be found in God. No matter what I did God still wanted me to come back to His arms. I just had to be strong enough to turn over my sins and break free from the things that held me in bondage. He wanted me to turn my heart and my life over to Him and seeing that I fell on my face and weeped for God. I took Him back into my life and I changed. God sought after me and now He has my whole heart, I know who He is and that He will never leave nor forsake me. The reason why I went through everything I did was because I could handle it. God never meant to harm me, He has wanted to protect me. I found my life verse not too long ago its 2 Samuel 22:17-20 "He reached down from Heaven and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my distress,but the Lord was my support. He brought me out to a spacious place. He rescued me because He delighted in me." God took hold of me and ripped me from my enemies hand. Satan's grip is on me no more. God sees my sins, my past, my stains and He washes them all away. I am pure in the eyes of Jesus. He wants to hold me close to Him. Honestly on the night of all night of prayer my dark, empty, sorrowful life became new. It was filled with Gods unconditional love and perpetual want for me. I still have a long ways to go, but who doesn't but God has got my life. I have convicted by Jesus and He has shown me what he wants from me. I have been called according to His purpose. I am working on my relationship with God and I grow more each and everyday being here at Liberty. I know my God is real and I can trust in Him. I love my God. I have never experienced this happiness. I am falling in love with Jesus and it has made the change in my life. I can bask in the Lords mercy, grace, and love everyday and know other people are doing the same thing here at Liberty. I know I have a long way to go, but everyone has to start somewhere. My advice? Find Jesus, fall on your face, and give Him your life you will never be happier!
In James 1:12 it says " A man who endures trails is blessed, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.
I really started to struggle even more with God in 9th grade. This was one of the worste years for me because this is when I really started to struggle with what others said about me and my image. I began to fall into what others said about me. Colton, a guy that went to my school, literally tore me down everyday. He always had something to say about how I looked like a man, or some rude comment. He started rumors about me and made people hate me. He turned girls against me because he was gay and most girls only listened to him because he's good at ruining lives and they knew that. I took everything that Colton and everyone else said and I believed it. I believed that 80 pounds was over weight, I believed that I was ugly, I believed I was useless. I repressed all my feelings down and never told anyone how he made me feel. I stopped eating, I didn't want to gain weight, I didn't want to be fat. I kept believing the lies of my enemy. Soon repressing my feelings became too much and I just started to act out. I would get in trouble just to catch my parents attention because thats all I wanted was attention. I never once thought about running to God just because I didn't feel like He could do anything about it. So I did what most kids do and became the problem child. At this point I was just like there is no God. I thought no God that loves me would ever make me suffer the way I was. If my own father could walk out on me then so could God. I didn't have a relationship with God and I didn't want one. My mom not knowing how I felt still drug me to church every Sunday, but I barely ever listened. I never tried to talk to anyone or seek guidance just because I didn't believe in trust. I sealed my feelings away in the depths of my heart where no one could find them. No matter how much sorrow came my way I never turned to God. I was bound and determined to get through this myself.
As I got older I wondered about my identity. High school is all about who you are and who you are seen with. It is about the items you possess and how many people think your attractive. I got involved in boys. My heart yearned for attention and affection. I longed to be loved, and to be accepted, I just wanted to fit in. So I did what everyone else was doing. I filled hat void in my life with alcohol, partying,boys, ,money, and friends. My emotions never came out because I was drifting and sinking deeper in sin, darkness, depression, and despair. My heart was becoming stone because I was so empty. I got raped by a guy I dated around my junior year of high school. At this point I was completely done with God I cried out to Him one night and said " how come if you love me so much Lord you have sat there and watched me go through all this?" I kept lashing out any way I could because I had so much built up inside. Most kids just saw a pretty girl with daddy's money and thought "Oh, she lives such a wonderful life.", but little did they know what was going on behind such a fake smile. No one knew the darkness of my heart. Not m best friend, not my mom, not my grandparents, no one. My life was out of control so I fell further into the drinking scene. I dated guy after guy each one treating me worse than the last. I still had that longing in my heart to be loved and cared for and I was giving whatever I had to to be loved and accepted. I let guys treat me the way no girl should ever be treated because I had come to believe I was worthless. No one would ever love me. I carried way too much shame for anyone to ever love me. I was still not close to my mom, but I started to see a change in her. She had always been a Christian, but one day it's just like the fire ignited in her and I started to see a love and a joy in her I'd never seen before. She was growing in Christ, she would read her Bible and pray, but she also tried her best to live the way God wanted her to. At first I really just wanted to tell her it was pointless she couldn't count on God, but I was like I'll let her figure it out for herself. My senior year was a mess. I chose to come to Liberty, a christian college when I didn't even want anything to do with God. Smart idea, I know right? Well as all seniors do I tried to live my last year of high school up. I was in the fast lane to destruction. Two months into it my hardened heart couldn't take it all. I had to let all my anger and sadness out. I wanted to feel something again. I wanted to give my parents a shot at being there for me since they had both seemed to change so much.
I started searching, I wasn't sure what I was looking for but I knew I was looking for something. Nothing I had done or tried had satisfied me so what else could I do. Everything had just left me broken and alone being consumed by Satan into an empty black hole. I felt hopeless, like I had no where to run to. One day God placed a guy named Jack in my life. Jack reached out to me as I was on my last hope, honestly right in time. I had asked God "Lord if you are real show me one person that would love me like a Christian should love me and who won't judge me for the things I've done." I didn't think God could do it, but low and behold He did. Jack came in and helped out with a lot of things at first. He kind of forced religion and God on me though. He expected me to just automatically change and turn from all my sins and forget all my shame. At first I thought this is what I want, until I figured out it all felt so forced. It wasn't real conviction of God changing me, it was me changing me to receive the love of Jack, because once again I found myself looking to others for my identity, and to feel a sense of belonging. I was still too scared to make the change and I still wanted to wallow in my sin. I went back to being the life of the party, but that only got me in trouble. I ended up being raped again by a different guy. The night all that happened I cried out to God "Lord if I am your daughter why haven't you protected me tell me that God?" So I still struggled with relationship after relationship. I just wanted love affection and attention and I thought I could find that in guys. I still didn't believe God was protecting me or that I could trust Him, but I stopped being angry with Him. The last relationship I got involved in was not a good one. Just everything about it was deadly. Every thing the guy ever told me was a lie, he was controlling, and really made me feel awful about myself. All I ever did was try to please him, anything he asked I'd do. His lack of involvement with God only made mine worse. He made me feel that no one would ever be able to accept me because of the shame I hid in my past. Soon I came to think not even God could love someone like me, so I started to believe that. Well God obviously had other plans. He didn't want me to settle so He shook my life up. I asked God " bring me to you I am obviously missing something in my life Lord, show me what I'm missing!" Well God did just what I asked, a week before I moved off to college He moved me where He needed me. He took away my friends, the boy, my family and He placed me on sacred ground. He placed me somewhere I can train to be champion for Him.
Having my heart broken and then moving like 5 states away was a big thing. That's so much change in just a week. The first week of being at Liberty I saw the joy that everyone here had and I wanted that joy. We had spiritual emphasis week and it really brought me to that joy. All night of prayer came up and come 2:00 in the morning my dorm made its way to the prayer chapel to pray until 3:00. While going around to the different stations at all night of prayer I found one that convicted me. I had been dealing with my past and the shame I carry from it, and this one station just touched me. On the ground there were things written in chalk like "BELOVED" "DAUGHTER OF CHRIST" "MARVELOUS" "WANTED" "ADORED" "LOVELY" just words I never even thought about associating myself with. Seeing that and remembering earlier that week what I had read in Psalm 139 showed me no matter how dirty my past maybe God longs for me. All the love, affection, and attention I'd been longing for could be found in God. No matter what I did God still wanted me to come back to His arms. I just had to be strong enough to turn over my sins and break free from the things that held me in bondage. He wanted me to turn my heart and my life over to Him and seeing that I fell on my face and weeped for God. I took Him back into my life and I changed. God sought after me and now He has my whole heart, I know who He is and that He will never leave nor forsake me. The reason why I went through everything I did was because I could handle it. God never meant to harm me, He has wanted to protect me. I found my life verse not too long ago its 2 Samuel 22:17-20 "He reached down from Heaven and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my distress,but the Lord was my support. He brought me out to a spacious place. He rescued me because He delighted in me." God took hold of me and ripped me from my enemies hand. Satan's grip is on me no more. God sees my sins, my past, my stains and He washes them all away. I am pure in the eyes of Jesus. He wants to hold me close to Him. Honestly on the night of all night of prayer my dark, empty, sorrowful life became new. It was filled with Gods unconditional love and perpetual want for me. I still have a long ways to go, but who doesn't but God has got my life. I have convicted by Jesus and He has shown me what he wants from me. I have been called according to His purpose. I am working on my relationship with God and I grow more each and everyday being here at Liberty. I know my God is real and I can trust in Him. I love my God. I have never experienced this happiness. I am falling in love with Jesus and it has made the change in my life. I can bask in the Lords mercy, grace, and love everyday and know other people are doing the same thing here at Liberty. I know I have a long way to go, but everyone has to start somewhere. My advice? Find Jesus, fall on your face, and give Him your life you will never be happier!
In James 1:12 it says " A man who endures trails is blessed, because when he passes the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.
Oh, precious Mallorie! Thank you for sharing your heart. I know God will use this testimony in ways only He knows! ((Hugs))
ReplyDelete--Ms. April
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ReplyDeletechange my life