You Got Mal

The last 6 months I have been questioning myself every time I find myself in worship. I can barely make it through songs I have listened to over and over without breaking down in tears. In my car, in my prayer room, at church I constantly have found myself crying. I have showed up to Ed's job red faced, puffy eyes and he has questioned why I had been crying and all I could tell him was because of Jesus, and Him moving my heart with songs. Sometimes it is just tears streaming down my face and others it is deep sobs. I just have not been able to understand why I am crying. I have struggles, and trials, but nothing that I should be crying over because I know even the bad God can use it to work for good and His glory if I turn it over to Him in prayer. So I have started praying and asking God why this is always happening to me, and revealed because it is what I prayed for. Around May 2019 I started praying that God would break my heart for what breaks His. I prayed that He would neve...

" What does it look like to be a good friend ?" This is a question I ask myself a lot. What is friendship about? There are so many questions we can ask ourselves about friendship. The yolk that Jesus puts on us is to love Him and love others. Friendship is about showing another person God through yourself while loving them with a love that is totally giving. Some times that's hard though. Some of us give so much we question when someone is going to give back to us, but that's not what friendship should be. Annie F. Downs describes friendship as "being a house of prayer, and a hospital at the same time". Showing people that they can come to us, that we will always love them and be there for them, so that they may see the love of God through us. Showing some one that we do not always have to agree, but we will still love and encourage them no matter the point of disagreement. To love someone the way the Lord calls us we must be our authentic self. When we ch...

Something I have been struggling with is worth. I can't seem to find out why I feel so unworthy and why I keep trying to convince myself why God should not love me. I know that I am a sinner, and I do not deserve His love. Not a single one of us does, why should He, a perfect, powerful God love us? He chooses to love us though because He wants us. No matter how much we do not like ourselves, or how broken we feel, God wants us. He longs for us. This school year has definitely been much different then last year. I have lost a ton of friends because of the selfish things they have wanted to do. I have been hurt by some of my closest friends that I never thought would hurt me. And I have realized that I cannot trust the people I always thought I could. I always knew God could speak to me. I have heard Him before, but I never knew He would speak such powerful words into my life last semester for me to write down to find this semester when I was struggling so much. He knows all and kn...

If I had all the answers to life that would be great. If I knew why bad things happened to great people I would be content. But I don't understand why good people die in unfortunate ways, and I don't know why it has to happen to someone who was so harmless. Recently my dad dragged me to Alaska. Not wanting to go of course I still went. I was very weary how things would go just me and dad in Alaska for over a week. Well I got there late that night and the next morning dad was dragging me to work. I so didn't want to go sit in an office all day, but I just didn't know what God had planned for me. My dad had a secretary named Lavonna, and she was a pistol let me tell you. She was a sweet, caring woman, but she didn't take crap from anyone. She would do whatever it takes to take care of someone even someone who has hurt her. She was a strong willed woman who worked hard. Over the week Mrs Lavonna and I got really close. We would ride around and do things for dad, but ...

Today in Convocation I heard a song and it said "Lord Your love it runs so deep every breath You breathe in me You don't give up on me and as long as my heart beats I know You will carry me You don't give up on me." This song means so much to me because I used to be so prideful and self-righteous that I though God had given up on me and I was a lost cause. That not even Jesus could forgive me and cleanse me of my sins. I know a lot of people that also say," I'm too far gone." But do they know that by saying this they are saying, "What Jesus did on the cross is not big enough to cover my sins."  Do you realize what you say when you say Jesus would not even forgive you for the things that you do. You are disrespecting God and telling Him He is not powerful enough. God is ALL MIGHTY! He is so powerful He does not even need us, He wants us. God does not give up on His children, not a single one of us. God pursues us in the purest way there is. He...

For so many people it is so easy to worship and praise Jesus when everything is going right. When life is good and you are being surrounded by your friends and family and things seem to be going how you want. You are happy and for you it is easy to praise God and talk about how great our Father is.  But what happens to that joy and happiness when something goes wrong? What happens when something you think is so unfair occurs?  When a friend is taken out of your life unexpectedly? Some times when bad things happen we find ourselves wanting to blame God and we start to question Him. We do not stop to think how God was in the situation we only focus on the tragedy that occurred.  Yesterday some of my friends went hiking. They just wanted to enjoy a day that God had blessed us with. While hiking one of our friends fell an died. Faith Helbig was a sweet, outspoken, spunky, lively girl. I had the honor of getting to know her. She was a light to many. Her heart was beauti...

We all have those moments where we finally realize the answer to a question we have been having for so long. That moment honestly can break a person down. For me it brought me to my knees tonight. I have been reading a book written by Heidi Baker called "Compelled by Love" and this book has been wrecking my life. The book has been changing how I think about a lot of things. It has been teaching me that everything I do should be done out of love. Me alone as a person, I have nothing to give. I do not care if my name is known, I just want to see the glory of Jesus Christ be known on this earth. We should be so poor in spirit that we have nothing else to do but to lean on and listen to God. We should be laid down lovers for His kingdom. It talks about how all we need to do is be willing to give up everything we have for the One who gave it all for us. This book has caused me to start evaluating what I have been doing more closely. One thing I have been noticing myself doing ...

The relationship between the Father and His daughter is a relationship that cant be matched He looks His daughter in the face and erases every memory she has. Every man that has ever hurt her or every lie she has been told,  God wipes them all away so He can make His daughter whole. As she is being emptied of all these memories she starts to get scared She takes her eyes off her Father and thats were she becomes bare. Without her Fathers love she knows no love herself  But He directs her eyes back to Him because He is her only help.  As she focuses in on His face, and the true beauty of His heart She realizes that there is no reason to fear  because He has held her from the start. He keeps healing her heart and pulling out the old He dresses His daughter in white because she is now as pure as the snow. He clothes her in righteousness because He has shown her grace. He has picked her up out of the pit and put the princess back in her place. Even...

Feelings and emotions can be one of the hardest things to talk about. I know personally I like to hide things, and not always tell everyone how I feel. Some times I even think I can hide how I feel from God. As silly as that sounds I know plenty of people struggle with this. The best part is, we do not have to wear a mask over our hearts before our Father. We can let it all out, and just be as broken as we really are. In that one moment that you are open and allow God to see you He heals you. Not only do people try to hide things, but they also just think "Oh God knows how I feel already so why should I tell Him?" Communication is the most important part of a relationship. If you are not communicating in constant prayer with God how do you expect Him to be close to you? So many times I have asked myself "Mallorie, why are you hiding? What has God done to make you think that He cannot be trusted with your feelings?" That is where I find myself stuck. If those questio...

No matter how hard we think life gets it actually is never that hard. Some times I look back at how my life used to be, it was a complete mess and I was a train wreck waiting to happen. Now that I have Jesus in my life I have had this outrageous revelation that nothing is that hard since I have the Father. The love and the peace that He gives freely is simply amazing. It is amazing how free I am in the presence of God. He frees His children, we can come to Him just as we are and stand in front of Him and just be free! Sometimes I feel like people do not get that. There is no restrictions on you when you are with the One who made you. I have been going through quiet a bit since Christmas break but, I have been trying to stay so positive. I have been reading the word, praying, and journaling but I still felt so discouraged. Jesus has the perfect ways of talking to His children though. This week has been Spiritual Emphasis Week. Last semester at Spiritual Emphasis Week I remember I had a ...

Today I was so excited to go back to Lynchburg. I got to the airport on time, I got my bags checked and I was ready to go. My flight to Montgomery was late but I did not think anything about it. I get on the plane and I listened to music for like an hour. I land in Charlotte and once I turn my phone on I get a text from my dad that says CALL ME 911. I knew something was up so  I called only to find out that my flight to Lynchburg was canceled. They said the next flight was not until Sunday. At this point I am scared to death. I have never dealt with this. So my dad tells me that my bags should be down stairs as I sit patiently waiting on my friend to come pick me up. Keep in mind she is driving from Lynchburg to Charlotte, a 3 hour drive, just to get me. I go through hell and back to get my bags honestly. I was told several times that they were already flown out to Lynchburg, but thats impossible when the plane hadn't left yet. So my dad who is all the way in Alaska is calling peop...

Seriously, as i look down the hallway of M-28 I go back. I see bags, and desks, and all kinds of things outside the girls rooms. It takes me back to that first day. The day that I left home, and all the people I cared about to come to a place where I knew no one. I was coming to a place where everything would be different and I would be making a new home, and meeting strangers. Well now it is like that going back to Alabama. I said goodbye to a lot of my friends today. Some I will see in a month and others I won't because God has other plans for them. I said goodbye to my best friend Taylor today. I know we will have so many more crazy adventures with each other, but I still cried that she was leaving. She is my best friend and I wouldn't want it any other way. I said goodbye to Collin today, knowing he will not be coming back because he will be in Uganda next semester. I love him to death, he is basically like my brother, and it really hurts to see him go, but I know Gods got ...

I have always felt broken, I have always felt lost. I am the girl that never could find love any where she looked for it. I was always searching. I was never good enough. I always felt like nothing I ever did would ever be good enough for anyone. I was hurting and aching inside. I thought I was dying. I never understood love or true love. I thought no one would ever or could ever love me because of the things I have done. I felt ashamed and dirty. I always walked around with my head down, broken on the inside. Guys made me feel like trash the way they treated me. I started to fall into so many lies about myself. Lies like I'm not pretty enough or that I'm not smart enough, lies like I'll never find what love is. I have literally had guy after guy after guy come in and just play with my heart, and then leave and I don't want that. As a girl all we want is love. We want to know love and we want to be loved. I gave up on everything, I just kept thinking I would never find ...

So I'm not sure if you girls know this or not, but YOU are so beyond loved. God loves you so much! He thinks you are so beyond beautiful. He loves everything about you. The things that guys have hated about you, Jesus loves them. The things that girls don't like about you, Jesus loves them to. The things you don't love about you, Jesus loves them also. EVERYTHING about you He loves. The Father takes great delight in His children, but you think about it : the Father seriously loves His daughters. The love of the Father is so important. It is the only love that will satisfy your every need and your every want. The greatest thing about God's love for us is that you don't have to do anything to obtain it. That is the true beauty, He gives us love even when we don't want it. I just recently learned that the Father pursued my heart for a very long  time. He never forced me to come to Him or to accept His love. He pursues His daughters in the purest way because He know...

Your love for me is outrageous. Your passion for me burns like a fire. You long for me to run to You with my hearts every desire. You comfort me in pain and You take all my fear and pride. You have washed away my shame and now my wedding dress is whiter. You hold me close in the darkness, You wipe away my tears. You have never left my side You have been there through the years. Your Presence is always with me. Your always by my side. You overwhelm me with Your love even when my heart denied it. Lord, You have taken such good care of me loving me the way no one else could or ever will. God, You have captivated my heart and You have brought me to a place I can be still! Daddy You lead me along streams, You walked with me hand and hand. You strengthen me when I need it and You pick  me up when I can not stand. Daddy no one has ever loved me and cared for me the way you do. No one has ever been so forgiving and no one has ever been so true. You are my Rock, my Foundation, my Resting Pl...

I woke up today, just like any other day expecting nothing to happen. I mean I went to classes, spent time with Jesus and hung out with my friends just like any other day. I woke up still sick like I have been for the past week. I have been taking medicine for my cough and praying that it be gone. I had randomly coughed all day, not thinking anything of it. My day was great actually, just resting in my Fathers love. Tonight I went to campus church instead of Lhop. I sat with my friends Ryan and Brennan. Campus church started off normal like any other church service usually has. Great worship, just pouring my whole heart out to my Daddy and just really asking for more trust in Him. After worship was done and the speaker came up, I started coughing really bad. It got to the point where I couldn't breathe all I was doing was wheezing. I felt like I was being choked I could not get any air down my throat. So Ryan helped me out the door and to a bathroom and I was trying to drink water ...

God is so faithful. His love is so faithful and abundant. He knows how to pour out His love into me, and over floods my heart with it. You know Daddy God is so good, He never stops pursuing after us. He is constantly loving us and trying to reach out to us, but we have to see that and grasp it. God will come to us. He will respond to your prayers, your wants, and your needs. We are His children and He always comes to His children's plea. Lately God has done crazy, marvelous things in my life. He has been filling me up so I could go pour out to others. He's just always putting something new on my heart. My prayers have never been so long or so bold or so open. The closer you get with God though the prayers flow out. Last night in the Prayer Chapel on campus after a Bible Study students were in there praying to God that He would give us someone to pray for when we went to Walmart. Me being someone that has never prayed out loud really I just asked for boldness. I asked to make a ...

My name is Mallorie and I am 19 years old. What I'm about to write will probably come as a shock to most, but this is my testimony and God is telling me I need to share it. So, here we go. When I was a young girl I was always at church on Sundays. I don't remember either one of my parents having the strongest relationship with Christ, but I was also very young. I do know that both of my parents are different and way more godly people then they used to be. Now they both have great relationships with Christ and they pour into me. When I was about five or six though my dad left. He left my mom, me and my brothers for another woman. Obviously I was so young I didn't understand what was going on, all I knew was that daddy was gone and things were different. I saw my mom cry and hurt in a way i never want to see her hurt again. I hated it, I felt empty, a little girl growing up without her dad. Going back and forth from mom's house to dad's house just got old. I wanted a ...

Lately I have noticed with all that has gone on in the last two months that I was stupid to ever think I could do anything on my own without God. Life is hard, and it is supposed to be. Some how we are always busy and never have time to sit and really just have time with God. The time we share with Him is so precious. It can uplift your whole day. God speaks to us when we are willing to listen and you can't talk to God unless you make time for Him. My problem lately is that I have tried to hide parts of my heart from God. As silly as that sounds, yes I thought I could do that. I struggle with wanting love and affection just as any other girl does. As girls we long to have intimacy, to be loved, to get attention. We long to be wanted by someone. Too often as girls we try to thrust that on a man, and act like it is his duty to make us feel loved and wanted and to satisfy our hearts every desire. That right there is selfish on our parts. We know no man could ever fulfill our every wan...

Ever feel like everything is finally getting better and then something happens that turns your life upside down? Well that's what I'm going through right now. God has put a lot on my heart in the past two weeks. He's broken it, taken people out of my life, put people in it, weakened me, but also made me stronger. God has a plan for me, and even though I am unsure of what it is I am going to trust Him. Yesterday I had a mini break down, thinking about classes and everything everyone has told me. I know so many people believe in me. They believe that I can succeed up here, but theres also been a lot of negative people saying I can't do this and that I will come home. I try to not let peoples negative thoughts get to me. God gave me this chance because He knows I can do this He knows I'm strong enough. God has also put me here as part of my healing. For the last couple of months God has been calling me. He has been saying " Mallorie, come close to me, Mallorie, le...